The Question Leaders Forget to Ask

“How can I support you?”

It is such a simple question, and yet it is often forgotten.

I find it fascinating how often leaders assume what is needed and start acting from that assumption. They want to help, solve, protect, or move things forward, but sometimes they end up delivering support that does not match what the situation actually requires.

A manager brought a situation to one of our sessions. Another department was going through leadership and team challenges, and someone from that department, who was also her friend, had started texting her with details about what was happening.

She felt caught in the middle.

She wanted to support her friend, but she also knew she needed to show up as a manager. Some situations may need to be escalated internally or handled through the right channels. At the same time, she was afraid of breaking trust with her friend or acting too quickly without understanding the full picture.

There was a lot of noise in her mind, and she did not know where to start.

So we slowed it down.

I asked what her intention was with her friend. She said she wanted to support her.

Then I asked:

“Did you ask her what kind of support she is looking for?”

My client froze.

I could see the light bulb turn on.

She realized she had been trying to decide what to do without first understanding what the other person actually needed from her.

Did her friend only want a safe space to vent? Did she expect her to communicate with the other manager? Did she want help thinking through how to address the situation directly?

Each answer would require a different kind of support. And each answer would also require a different boundary.

That was the clarity she was missing.

This situation may sound specific, but I see this pattern often in leadership. Leaders try to support people before understanding what kind of support is actually needed.

Support is not always action.

Sometimes support is listening. Sometimes it is coaching. Sometimes it is escalation. Sometimes it is helping the person own the next conversation.

But without clarity, support can easily become rescuing, solving, avoiding, or overstepping.

Clarify first. Serve after. You can ask:

• How can I support you?
• What kind of help do you need?
• What support would help you succeed?

Choose the question that feels most natural to your style and the situation.

Your turn:

Where are you assuming and acting, when you would benefit from clarifying first?

Enjoy your clarity.