Lessons from My Emotional Intelligence Journey

It is so common to talk about emotional intelligence today, and we often don’t even know what an emotion feels like. We ask everybody to do something, and sometimes, we don’t provide the basics.

My journey with emotions started around 5 years ago. I was very successful, had it all, and according to society’s standards, I should be happy. Inside, I knew something was missing, and I couldn’t understand or pinpoint it. I am a logical person; being a computer scientist, I look for answers and logic in all aspects of my life. Little did I know this time about feelings and emotions.

In one of my coach processes as a client, my coach mentioned that life was 50/50, 50% of what we call “good” emotions and 50% of what we call “bad” emotions. At this time, I just thought, “That’s her truth; it doesn’t need to be mine. My life will be 80/20. I will go for 80% of “good” emotions.”. I love exploring what is possible and testing my limits. Fast forward, in this case, I was wrong. She was right when she said life is 50/50, and I learned so much in this 5-year journey.

Here are some lessons that I got from my journey:

• Give a name to what you are feeling

The first step is always awareness. Be aware, acknowledge, and name it.

In the beginning, I didn’t even have the vocabulary for it. Is there any other possibility than happy and sad? I did my research and expanded my knowledge, and yet I needed experience to fully understand and integrate the knowledge.

• There are no good or bad emotions

Emotions are just emotions. They all have a function in our lives. When we think about what we are experiencing, we tend to label it as good or bad.

Without fear, I expose myself to unnecessary risks. I am glad I am afraid in certain situations.

When we lose someone that we love, grief is expected.

• Feel the feeling

Before this journey, I lived without understanding (and experiencing!) my emotions, living a life of avoidance, resistance, and suppression.

Today, I can see that the intention to have an 80/20 life was coming from resistance and a lack of ability to manage and regulate my emotions.

Feel the feeling is one of the most liberating actions I’ve experienced. Without resistance, allowing it to exist, we can go beyond, connect with our body, and understand what is behind it.

When we allow ourselves to feel it, an emotion is a vibration in our body, and it usually lasts a few seconds in your body.

• Emotional Regulation

Knowing that an emotion is not a fact, nor does it define you, is essential.

Trying to control or hide emotions will never work. Emotions are patient; they will wait for you. We can manage and regulate emotions; it is a different game. When there is an excess or lack of emotions, we can regulate it. Keep in mind that we all get out of regulation at some point, and the key is knowing how to return. I like to see it as a thermometer.

[Real Life Case]

In a coaching session with a leader, he said, “I am exhausted from change.”. Two seconds later, he said: “I am a little fatigued.”.

Those two sentences are very different. In today’s society, it is easy to get distracted. It is common to avoid feelings as they may be inappropriate to the environments we are in. I lost count of how many times, instead of feeling the feeling, I avoided it by eating, using social media, working, or minimizing and resisting.

We came back to the exhaustion. The truth is, he was exhausted. It was real. He had a tough year with many changes in his professional and personal life. Starting the new year, he was only looking for stability, and his company announced a significant change. It was okay for him to feel exhausted.

By verbalizing and allowing himself to experience exhaustion for a moment, I could see his face lighten up and his posture adjust; his shoulder had less tension. After the release, we could explore what he chooses to do next.

[Invitation]

It requires awareness and commitment to this journey. It requires maturity to understand that it is a process that generally takes time. Although uncomfortable, it is possible and rewarding for most people. A life with awareness related to emotions is brighter. It is powerful to understand better what we are feeling and no longer be managed by our emotions.

My invitation to you today is to start small. Only awareness has the potential to change your life. Start journaling your emotions. Simply note what you are feeling throughout the day.

Where are you on your emotional journey? What is the highlight of your journey? I would like to hear your thoughts.

Happy journey!